Dangerous Surrender

June 27, 2009

I wish there were words to adequately describe the feelings and emotions I am having now, and the change that has taken place inside of me over the past week.
I’m not sure why anything is different now in comparison to last week.
I feel extremely emotional and have decided to use my time here as well as I can, taking advantage of every second I’m given.

I’ve had many people tell me to not take my time here for granted; that I won’t be able to get it back. I heard them, but during my first month here, I was so depressed with being sick all the time, frustrated that I didn’t feel I had any gifts that could be used here—basically worthless, and was wondering every single day why God would ever send me to such a place.

I couldn’t wait to come home.

Slowly over the second month, and very rapidly over the past week, something inside of me has changed. It’s like God took the person I was pre-India, and threw it out the window and started over once again. I feel this deep and intimate relationship with Him that I have NEVER felt before, or even have come close to feeling. And now, I don’t know how I’m ever going to leave this place.

My desire to serve the One and Only Almighty God has taken over any other desire that I’ve ever had for my life in the past.

I no longer will just sit in my room and feel sorry for myself and the conditions that I’ve had to get used to. Now, I want to spend my time just laying with the kids on the floor, under the fan, talking about life, and God and how we all have gone through some tough things (them more-so than me), but it’s all okay because we have the Love of God and no matter how deep the loss we’ve experienced; that’s enough.

I used to hate having to sit with them and try to teach little kids who can’t speak English at all, the alphabet. Now, I look forward to sitting out with them and teaching them because along with the letters, I get to teach them what high-fives are, and I get to give them encouragement and words of praise that they’ve never heard before. The smiles on their faces or the running into my arms for a hug, because they know that they did something so well, and are so proud of themselves, is the best feeling in the world.

I feel like I’ve gained a ton of children and brothers and sisters.
Having them love me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. The simplest things such as me sitting by them at dinner or just holding their hand while we’re laying around talking about life is by far one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever felt.

I love these kids with a deep love that I didn’t even know I encompassed. I would lay my life down for them without even thinking and it’s only been a little over 2 months, and the first month I didn’t put any real effort into knowing them at all.

Before I left, a friend, and someone I consider a mentor, Jamie, gave me a book called Dangerous Surrender; what happens when you say “yes” to God, written by Kay Warren.

I would recommend reading this book if you want to be disturbed, made to feel uncomfortable, sad, but yet motivated, and joyful at the promises that God gives us if we decide to surrender ourselves fully to serve Him. It is just very real. Probably one of the best books I have ever read.

I just finished the book about ten minutes ago, and I feel that it has completely changed me, even more. Her descriptions of her emotions when she would actually see the dying people, or hear the story of prostitutes or orphans, was very accurate to what I have been feeling.

I am not going to be the same as I was ever again. God has done something to my heart since I have been here, and I feel that there is so much work to be done in the world, that most of us, including myself, have no idea how good we really have it.

When I think about the life that I had before I came here, I am disgusted. I was so wasteful and selfish and didn’t know how to love the way God asked me to; how to love in a truly self-less way, without expecting anything in return.

It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to come back and try to live in a place that used to be my old life, with a completely different perspective, knowing what I do now.

How am I going to even go to a grocery store and see 5 different types of ranch dressing? Is that many really necessary? How will I go to restaurants and see people only eating half of what they ordered, only to leave the other half to be thrown away? How can I not say anything when I see people leaving the water on when they brush their teeth or even shower when most of the world has to walk long distances to have one jug of water to share with their family?

One of my biggest fears is that this time here will have changed me so much that I will experience major depression when I come back. I also know that none of my friendships/relationships will be the same ever again. Will people resent me? Will my friends leave? Most certainly almost no one will understand my perspective or my emotions, and I can’t expect them to. Will I be made sensitive to that?

Are the challenges of coming back home and all of the differences that will be happening in my life worth my time here? Will they be worth me saying “Yes” to God and doing what He called me to do even if it puts conflict into other important parts of my life?
Absolutely.

Before I came here, I would hear about wars, people getting taken captive for their religious beliefs, and I would see the little children with the swollen tummies on TV, and sure, I felt bad, but did it make me change or want to do anything different? No.

I would have never given up my comfortable life for anyone else.

But now that I’ve come here, and I’ve touched a man so close to death from AIDS and cried tears of sadness for him because I could see the physical and emotional pain that he was experiencing, and because I get a hug from an 8-year-old girl, with the brightest smile, who suffers from the same disease, every single day that I’m here, and also because I have deep relationships with 3 sisters whose uncle was going to murder all of them…Now, there is nothing I would rather do.

On Saturdays, the older kids (all kids except for 5 yrs and younger) go to the neighbor’s house for prayer. Tonight, the younger kids were watching a movie on Peter’s computer in the office, so I went up to the 2^nd level and sat in the middle of the room and read some more of Dangerous Surrender. While I was up there, my little Asha came walking up the stairs and sat down in my lap on the floor facing me. She wrapped her little arms around me and rested her head on my chest and just sat there, wanting to be held, with a very sad look on her face. She usually squeals with delight and runs up to me but she was very serious. I put my book down and just held onto her, and told her over and over that I loved her. I was sure she hadn’t heard that nearly enough in her short life so far, so I wanted her to be sure she knew that someone did. The older kids taught me how to say it in Telugu my first week here, so I’m hoping she knew what I was saying. We just sat there like that for about 20 minutes and didn’t move. Then I just decided to sing quietly to her and continued to hold her like she was my own baby, hoping she would feel comforted. While I was singing, I just started crying because I couldn’t believe that there would be anyone who would send her or any of these other children away, and not love them. How could someone not love this little beautiful girl or not care what happened to her, when all she wanted was simply to be held?

Over the next couple of weeks, I’m hoping to learn more about these kids; more than what the little paragraphs by their picture on the website tells about. Peter will translate when they tell me their stories, but it has to be one-by-one because otherwise he says it’s too painful and they all will cry, but they want us to know about how they came here because it’s part of their life, and a part of their story about coming to Jesus by this ministry.

They’re no longer just commercials or news articles to me; they’re part of my life now, and my heart.

When I think back to the way my life used to be, I would always say, “Yeah, I want to live for God. I’ll go to church, and sing songs, and pray if I have to.” I’ve realized that that isn’t even close to what living for God is.

In one of the chapters towards the end of her book, Kay talks about martyrs, and people who know the cost of truly living out a life for God. She quotes Queen Esther when she said, “If I perish, then I perish.”
I don’t think many of us have that attitude, like “Well, if it’s for God and I have to die for Him, then I’ll die.” Are we really okay with that?

Most of us won’t ever be in a situation where death would really be a possibility, but if we were, would we be okay with it because it would be for God? What if we were only in high school? Or what if we just had gotten married, or had a baby? If it wasn’t “our timing,” but “God’s timing,” would we gladly give ourselves to Him no matter what the consequences?

One thing I’ve gained from being here for such a short time already, and also by reading this book, is that surrendering our lives to serving God doesn’t give us the choice of making deals with Him in the process. We don’t have the right to say, “I’ll give my life to serving you, if it means I won’t lose my brand new car” or “I’ll sacrifice some of my time if my family won’t be affected,” or “I’ll do this for you, if I can go back to the same life I had before.”

Surrendering your life FULLY to God is a terrifying thing. It’s saying that whatever He wants for our lives, including death, we are willing to offer because, He is, ultimately, the only thing that matters.

Honestly, would I be willing to make that commitment if that was what God asked of me?

So what if we’re not ready or willing to sacrifice everything we have for God? That doesn’t make us less Christian or less believing does it?

I hope not, because 99% of the time, I couldn’t confidently say that I would die for Christ if a gun was held to my head, or if I travel more while I’m here and get kidnapped because I’m a Christian that I wouldn’t think about possibly denying it so I can come back home to live my life with all my THINGS in it. It seems almost easier to say we would die for another human being than God. In the scheme of things, that doesn’t seem right.

When I think back to the 16-year-old girl from Columbine HS who was shot in the head because she said she believed in God, I know for a fact there’s no way I would have done that when I was 16. That sounds terrible but I’m just being honest. I’m 24 and am still wondering if my Faith or love for God is strong enough.

On the other hand, like I’ve already said, God has changed me.
My goals for what I want to accomplish in life, the way I love people, the new, deep level of compassion that I’ve had grow in me, my desire to have my eyes open to what reality in this world REALLY is; this has created in me a deeper sense of joy, intimacy, contentment, and trust in God and that is more comforting than the largest amount of money, the best clothes, or even the closest relationships with other people. Therefore, even if I have to give up my life earlier than I, or anyone else, had planned, I know it will be worth it. Does that make me more okay with the thought of it? Not really.

This comes down to taking up your cross and dying to yourself. Something I have NEVER understood before. Until now. And I’m still learning every second of every day.

A lot has changed…and a lot more is going to change between now and October when I return.

I ask that you begin praying NOW, as I’m sure there will a lot of negativity and turmoil that I will not be prepared for, but also keep praying that my time here continues to open my heart and my eyes and that my intimate moments with God become infinite.

“This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”
[Ephesians 6:12 MSG]

**By these words, I hope that no one takes anything I say offensively. I am in no way saying that I am a good, perfect, Christian person, and that I’m not judgmental, selfish, or hypocritical at times. I am all of those things…a lot…and I’m sure as much as I try not to, I will continue to be those things. I will be learning and making mistakes as long as I’m on this earth.

2 health updates

June 23, 2009

As many of you have heard, my health hasn’t been all that great the past few days.

I woke up from a nap one afternoon with some small bumps and a little bit of a burning feeling on the back of my right shoulder. I figured, like with everything else, it was just heat rash and would go away.
The next day, the area was bright red and had a raised rash. It was no longer bumps, but looked more like an animal attacked me somewhat, like claw marks. The doctor came that day and he wasn’t sure what it was. I had talked to my mom earlier and she said it sounded exactly like Shingles, which is when the chicken pox virus that most of us have when we are little, flares up. It doesn’t bring chicken pox back, but shingles, which is this rash, usually on one side of the body, looking like an open wound. It burns and the pain is excruciating. This is usually just found in older people, or younger people under a large amount of stress (I guess I need to find a new stress-reliever here)

The doctor scolded me, telling me that I should have seen him sooner, and I do not take care of my health, and that this was worse than he has seen in India for someone’s skin. (I am not a fan of doctors clinics, or hospitals so I stay away from them at all costs, even the cost of my own health) He would be back the next day for some blood testing.

The next day, I looked at my shoulder in the mirror and it was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen on myself. On top of that, it hurt so badly. It felt like I had the worst sunburn possible and every time I moved my right arm, it was like someone was slapping the burn as hard as they could.

The doctor didn’t come back, but two of his assistants did; 2 men, clearly in their twenties. I was surprised that they came to me to take a blood test instead of me going to the clinic. I saw that the needle they used was clean (thankfully) but was a little bit concerned when the guy who drew the blood didn’t wear any gloves or clean the area of my arm first. He took the blood sample and put it in a little glass jar and put the top on it. The leftover blood, he kept in the syringe, put the cap on the syringe, put that back in the original packaging and stuck it in the front pocket of his shirt. Isn’t that somewhat weird?

The embarrassing part was when they needed a urine sample. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom at all, and it was awful because they guys couldn’t speak any English, and Peter, who would usually translate, was gone, so they had to have the oldest boy, also named Peter, who was 15, tell me they needed that kind of test. Soon, all of the kids knew what was going on, and when the guys left they were laughing. Of course they would, right? I was pretty mortified. Oh well. Definitely not in the US anymore.

I have an infection that has been spreading throughout my entire body. I’m not sure how it has come. I’m thinking through the bugs and heat combined, because most of it shows in the wounds left by the bugs. The two guys came back today with my test results, and I passed everything except for one kind of infection that I still don’t understand, so one of them injected me with this stuff that is supposed to help heal me quickly.

I had complained before about the pain of getting my nose pierced because he just shoved the needle in. I think this was worse. The needle hurt a little bit, but whatever they were injecting into me made me almost cry. And I do not cry over physical pain. I could feel it going in my arm, and it hurt badly, and made my arm heavy and numb, like a tetanus shot, only 100x worse. The pain is better now and hopefully it starts working soon so I can be fully healthy again.

I am currently taking about 7 pills/day between antibiotics, allergy pills, and pain medication. The shoulder wound has put me out of commission for the past couple of days because I can barely move my arm, and the pain is causing me to be sick and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping at night.

I am not allowed to eat normal curry right now because so much of what we have here will only prolong the infection. For the next couple of weeks, all I can have is rice with curd. Curd is just how it sounds. Warmed milk, set out until it gets chunks in it. Sounds good, right? I used to hate it but luckily now, I actually enjoy it and it’s extremely healthy.

Other than that stuff, things here are awesome. Every day, I wake up more thankful than the day before that God has placed me here and given me an opportunity to serve Him like He has.

I’m becoming even closer to the kids every day and have realized how almost impossible it is going to be to leave them. I think my heart might be ripped out of me.

These kids teach me lessons and bring me joy every single day, like I’ve never experienced before back home.

I have kids constantly concerned about me being in pain, and wanting to actually touch my shoulder to put the skin cream all over it. Then they continue to put it on my legs and arms where there are other open wounds from the infection. They couldn’t care less about it looking gross. They just want me to be comfortable. After that, they get me water, and rub or pat my back trying to get me to relax. They’re like little mothers…so don’t worry Mom, I’m getting taken care of very well here…by 3 through 13-year-olds.

Are we capable of caring for others like that? I don’t think I ever was before. It’s amazing what the love of a child can change in you.

I know for my remaining time here, Satan is going to try to throw many things at me to make me fall. I’ve had the bugs/heat (which is normal for here), the dark figure in my room, the monkeys, now the spreading infection, and my shoulder looking like it’s going to fall off and then there is the constant battle of miscommunication due to the language barrier. This must mean we’re doing something good here, right? Satan is working pretty hard against us. The great thing though, is that no matter what he decides to throw my way, I am not moving from here, and I am going to keep on doing work for God as long as I am here, no matter what obstacles. Getting through these things not only proves how much stronger I am than I thought I was with God’s help, but also God’s continued Faithfulness to journey with me, no matter how dark or steep or winding the road.

Although I am the same person overall as when I started, I think my heart has been completely changed. Changed in an even better way than I could have ever imagined myself to be, and this is all because I am doing what God asked of me, and even though it’s hard, the rewards of giving my life up for Him are endless.

Thank you for all of your prayers.

And if you didn’t see it, there was an article on Thomas and OAFA in last Saturday’s paper (6/20) in the Religion section. Check it out on Mlive. Com.

If I am not very quick at responding to wall posts/emails/messages, it’s because due to our expenses, our internet has been cut down by a LOT giving me only enough time to get done what I need, so please be patient, I will get back to you, and it has been out completely the past few days. J

Please let me know if there is anything we can pray for you back home for.

Grace and Peace and Blessings to you all.

LOVE

Jenna

p.s. On a side note, I’ve really been interested in the music artist, Kari Jobe recently. She’s incredibly uplifting with a very sweet and light voice. I would recommend listening to her album, especially the songs “Healer” and “Revelation Song” (probably both familiar to Crossroads go-ers)

UPDATE: June 25, 2009

Since I typed the last update, it has been 2 days. I had a terrible reaction to the shot, causing me to have a mix of the flu/a fever yesterday. Peter told me that meant it was working though. My skin has cleared up more from the infections/bug wounds in the last 2 days than it has in the entire time I’ve been here. My shoulder looks pretty normal now...just like a burn that's peeling.

I still can’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time or 4 hours at night, making days/nights seem to go on forever but today is extremely dark, so maybe that means rain/the monsoon will be coming soon. I’m sure once it’s cool out it will be much easier to sleep. J

We are still without the internet. They are doing some digging in the land around us and it hit the phone line causing the landline/internet to be out for an undetermined amount of time. I’m currently at an internet café trying to catch up.

Thanks for your continued prayers and patience!

birthdays, monkeys and a beautiful child.

It seems to be no secret that I am bad at updating my blog. I have no good excuse for my lack of dedication except that I forget. It’s a good thing I have my mom to remind me of it. Even from the other side of the world I still need her to remind me to get things done. :)

So what has happened since I last updated?

Most of the children have returned back to the orphanage after spending some time with their family. The couple who are still gone should be back by the end of this week.

They began school last week and attend every day except Sunday. They even have to go 3 Saturdays/month. Can you even imagine that?

This is their schedule: Wake up at 5:15am for prayer, which goes until 6am. The tutors come from 6am-7am and then from 7am-830am is breakfast and getting ready, then they leave for school at 9am. The little ones come back from school for the day around 1130am-12pm (pre-schoolers), and then the high schoolers come back here for lunch at 1pm then go to school until 5pm, which is when the rest of the kids return. They have about a half hour, and then the tutors come back from 530pm-630pm, then they have prayer from 7pm-745ish, dinner around 8pm and then go to bed. So their day is jam-packed full mostly of studying. I, however, have a lot of free time now while they’re school. Luckily, my mom gave me a couple books for my birthday and am working on the second of the two currently.

I was thinking about possibly starting to write my own book while I’m here. Not an auto-biography, but possibly a work of fiction that may include a few situations from my own life. I am also in the process of writing some songs. I’ve never done that before, but have always wanted to. Between working on it here, and partnering with my extremely talented friend back home, I think we may come up with some cool stuff.

We’re still waiting on the monsoon, hoping that it will be arriving within the next week. Because of the heat, it was declared that as of today, all of the kids will only being having half-days of school thru the end of the month. I just feel terrible that they can’t do anything because it’s so hot, so they end up sitting in Peter’s room when there’s power to watch to tv because it wouldn’t be safe for them to be playing outside.

As many of you know, my birthday was June 17. 24-years-old. I know that sounds young to most people, but for me, I can’t help but wonder where the past 24 years have gone. It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from 8th grade, and now here I am, living in India, still not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life. It’s funny how when you’re so young, you know exactly what you want for yourself. You have everything planned out. And then when the time comes to make your dreams and goals a reality, there are a million other possibilities that you didn’t think of when you were 10-years-old and planning your life out.

Anyway, the kids had been so excited about my birthday for a long time. From the time it was 10 days before, they would come up to me and shake my hand and say “in advance happy birthday.” The morning of, the girls all came in my room to wake me up and they each shook my hand, kissed it and said “Happy Birthday, Sister.” What a good way to wake up.

They had to go to school that day, so Vijay and I went out and she took me out to lunch and we went to a jewelry shop and I bought myself a beautiful ring (the one thing I’m allowing myself to get strictly because I wanted it). I usually do not like gold at all but gold here is a lot different than in the US. It’s much more pure and I had seen this ring over a month ago and it’s just perfect.
Vijay had bought me a half-sari the month before so her and the sewing teacher tailored it to me and had it done so I could wear it. There was extra fabric so they made Grace (Vijay’s 2-year-old daughter) a little dress to match.
They got me a cake and all of the kids sang “Happy Birthday” in English, but a different version, and I got in a small frosting fight with Vijay and everyone enjoyed the cake afterwards and then a dinner with chicken curry (we only get chicken here on special occasions). It was a birthday I will definitely never forget and I feel bad for ever being upset that I wouldn’t be with my friends and family back home, thinking I would “have no one.” I had more people here to celebrate with than I would have back home, and it was amazing.

Over the past couple of weeks, God has really been working in me and changing my heart even more and giving me new perspectives on different situations that would arise. I’m learning to do things with a much more willing heart, even though it may not be what I had planned for myself at all. I’ve learned that attitude is everything when it comes to whether something is enjoyable or not. You can be doing something you absolutely hate but could still either enjoy it or have it come out being a positive experience because of a positive attitude. It seems like common sense, but how often do we groan and gripe about the tasks laid before us and just force ourselves to do it, complaining the whole time or wishing we were doing something different? I’m still learning to do this, but so far it has proved to work out much better for me than being my normal, negative-self about it.

A few of you have heard about my second scary situation here. But for those of you who haven’t, let me quickly summarize what happened. A few days ago, while the kids were in school, I was in my room watching a movie. Remember that my actual bedroom is connected to two other rooms; the dining room on one side, and the room w/shelves and a sink on the other side. I heard a rummaging noise and look over and there were two monkeys sitting in the room with the sink. A bag of some of my things were all over the floor and the monkeys were trying to open things and eat them, and when they realized they couldn’t eat them, they would throw them on the floor and go for the next thing. This may sound funny now, but these are not cute monkeys. They are extremely ugly and very dangerous. I became almost paralyzed with fear and just froze. One of them stared at me and made a growling/hissing noise. I almost screamed but instead, I shut my door to that room and shoved my bed in front of it. It took everything I had in me to go out the dining room door to get out because I was afraid there would be more monkeys over there. Luckily there weren’t, so I went downstairs and got Peter and told him that there were monkeys up in my room. He grabbed a large baseball bat and came up and chased them away with it. Of course little Moses heard the word, “monkey” and got really excited and wanted to see what was going on so I had to grab him before he ran over to the monkeys. He was so cute though saying “monkey” over and over again. Peter said that there were the two monkeys that I saw and then 2 larger ones in the actual bathroom where the shower and toilet are outside. The monkeys here can sense fear in people, so if they know that you’re scared, they will come after you and attach themselves onto you and claw at your face, and will probably bite you, causing some serious damage. Even though I know this, I can’t help but be terrified. I’ve seen monkeys every day since, but none have come in my room, thankfully. I was told that the monkey season is actually when it gets cooler out, so I’m sure there will be many more to come. I never thought I would ever in my life have to worry about monkeys coming into my room anywhere and eating my stuff.

This has gotten to be quite the long blog post. I suppose that’s what I get for not updating at least once a week.

I want to leave you with one thing:

My mom gave me the brilliant idea of telling little stories about kids here; More than just the little biographies about their life before OAFA that you can find on the website.

I’m going to tell you about Divya (Di-Vee-Ya). She is 9-years-old, and is the only child here with HIV. Although she suffers from this illness, you would never guess. She has so much energy and has the brightest smile. All I have to do is look at her smiling at me and I can’t help but smile back and just love her even more. She tends to get tired a little bit easier and keeps to herself, but is filled with so much joy. I’m not sure why, but she loves cleaning things and organizing, so one of her favorite things to do is come in my room and move stuff around and put all my shoes in a bag and pile all of the boxes on top of each other to look more organized. She folds everything and loves to help me fold my saris (which is for the most part, a 2-person job) and even folds my clothes that I had worn the day before. After she’s done organizing whatever she felt was needed at the time, she sits on my bed with me and looks at pictures of my family and friends from back home. She also likes skype-ing with people back home. She came and joined me while I was talking to a friend back home and he decided to teach her the “rock on” hand gesture, so every now and then, she’ll run around doing the hand gesture, saying “rock on” in her little Indian accent, and then stick out her tongue like they do in rock bands. It’s so funny, and so cute.

I have an extremely soft spot in my heart for her. She used to have beautiful long hair, but had to get it all cut off. Even so, she is one of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen. It breaks my heart to know what she’s suffering from.
I’m pretty sure this is my longest entry yet.
I’ll try to get better at updating more often.

Thank you SO SO much for all of your continued prayers and encouragement. I love getting the little facebook status comments from so many of you and also the email updates about what’s going on in your lives back home. A huge thank you to those who sent me birthday cards here. It brought home a little bit closer to me and I will keep those cards forever.

Feel free to contact me either over here, email or facebook, or stay updated with what I’m doing by finding me on “Twitter” (yes, I gave in and got it). Also, if you ever want to skype with me and meet some of the kids, let me know and we can set up a time. :)

Love to you all!

Jenna
p.s. I am putting up a couple pictures of Divya so you can see who I’m talking about. :) (click on them to see larger views)

F.R.O.G.

Hello my dear friends.

It is currently 7:45 on monday evening. Today was my "day off" so I spent my time listening to the new Hillsong United album (amazing), napping, and just thinking about life in general.

Things here are going well. Still waiting for that monsoon to come and bring some cooler weather with it. I can guarantee during the first week, i will be outside dancing and splashing in the rain as much as possible.

The majority of the kids have come back from their short "mission trips" to their families. It's good to hear so many loud voices worshiping with everything they have in them once again. It's funny how I feel almost like a parent to all of these kids. When they left, even just for a few days, I would get so sad, and when they returned, I felt the joy dancing around in my soul like after your own child leaves for a while then returns (maybe how my mom has felt/will feel).

I've been thinking a lot lately about my purpose for being here.
I was so convinced that I was going to come here and change lives. I am gifted with computers and doing administrative work, and that's what the board had said OAFA needed. However, it is much more complicated than that, and I haven't really been able to do any, because I don't understand any of the reports or receipts (because of the language).

So I've been left with...nothing? I didn't come here with a degree in anything specific. I'm working towards education, but I still don't even know if that's really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love kids, but do I love teaching?

I remember talking to Brooke at the boiler room in Grand Rapids months ago, and she told me that she had come into her year of being an intern with all these expectations of what she was going to do. Little did she know that God had other plans and ended up being the one showing her things and teaching her things.

I've decided that coming into experiences where God is calling you, you might as well take your expectations and throw them out the window.
Once I began to let go of my assumptions of what I was going to do for everyone else here, I really began to see the work that God was doing in me.

I have begun to actually accept the fact that I may be more changed and will learn way more than I will change or teach others.
One of the biggest things I've began to learn is my need for Jesus, and having Him be ALL I need.

I've struggled a lot here with loneliness. Sure I have people back home to talk to over the internet and occasionally the phone, but when I am really homesick or just having a bad day here, it's not the same as having someone here. Peter speaks English, but occasionally it's a little bit hard for us to communicate because he speaks it a little bit differently than I do. On top of that, he is gone much of the time running errands for OAFA and doing business-related things, so I really have NO ONE who can clearly understand me.

This has forced me to spend a lot more time praying and talking to God. Even though He isn't here in physical form, I know I could not even say a word and He would still understand me.

What's awesome though is that even though a lot of the time we don't think so, He is ALL WE NEED. He is sufficient enough to fill every spot of loneliness that's looming around inside of us.

Isn't that amazing?

Each time I am having a hard time, and go to God with it, something happens. Either my mood just changes for no actual reason, or one of my babies here will bring me joy, or someone back at home will send me a message or have a great bible verse that seems to be meant exactly for me.

It's such an encouragement knowing that even though I feel alone because no one speaks English, I am NEVER alone. I think I've always known that in the back of my head, but never really understood that concept until I came here.

Remember after the WWJD bracelets came out, FROG bracelets came out? Fully Rely On God. That's all there is to it.

I am learning so much and am being stretched to my limits.
I still wake up everyday in disbelief that I am actually living in India.

The challenges keep coming, but so do the blessings.

I hope everyone back home is doing well.

I miss you so very much, and am so grateful for the prayers and encouragement.

Grace and Peace,

Jenna