June 27, 2009
I wish there were words to adequately describe the feelings and emotions I am having now, and the change that has taken place inside of me over the past week.
I’m not sure why anything is different now in comparison to last week.
I feel extremely emotional and have decided to use my time here as well as I can, taking advantage of every second I’m given.
I’ve had many people tell me to not take my time here for granted; that I won’t be able to get it back. I heard them, but during my first month here, I was so depressed with being sick all the time, frustrated that I didn’t feel I had any gifts that could be used here—basically worthless, and was wondering every single day why God would ever send me to such a place.
I couldn’t wait to come home.
Slowly over the second month, and very rapidly over the past week, something inside of me has changed. It’s like God took the person I was pre-India, and threw it out the window and started over once again. I feel this deep and intimate relationship with Him that I have NEVER felt before, or even have come close to feeling. And now, I don’t know how I’m ever going to leave this place.
My desire to serve the One and Only Almighty God has taken over any other desire that I’ve ever had for my life in the past.
I no longer will just sit in my room and feel sorry for myself and the conditions that I’ve had to get used to. Now, I want to spend my time just laying with the kids on the floor, under the fan, talking about life, and God and how we all have gone through some tough things (them more-so than me), but it’s all okay because we have the Love of God and no matter how deep the loss we’ve experienced; that’s enough.
I used to hate having to sit with them and try to teach little kids who can’t speak English at all, the alphabet. Now, I look forward to sitting out with them and teaching them because along with the letters, I get to teach them what high-fives are, and I get to give them encouragement and words of praise that they’ve never heard before. The smiles on their faces or the running into my arms for a hug, because they know that they did something so well, and are so proud of themselves, is the best feeling in the world.
I feel like I’ve gained a ton of children and brothers and sisters.
Having them love me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. The simplest things such as me sitting by them at dinner or just holding their hand while we’re laying around talking about life is by far one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever felt.
I love these kids with a deep love that I didn’t even know I encompassed. I would lay my life down for them without even thinking and it’s only been a little over 2 months, and the first month I didn’t put any real effort into knowing them at all.
Before I left, a friend, and someone I consider a mentor, Jamie, gave me a book called Dangerous Surrender; what happens when you say “yes” to God, written by Kay Warren.
I would recommend reading this book if you want to be disturbed, made to feel uncomfortable, sad, but yet motivated, and joyful at the promises that God gives us if we decide to surrender ourselves fully to serve Him. It is just very real. Probably one of the best books I have ever read.
I just finished the book about ten minutes ago, and I feel that it has completely changed me, even more. Her descriptions of her emotions when she would actually see the dying people, or hear the story of prostitutes or orphans, was very accurate to what I have been feeling.
I am not going to be the same as I was ever again. God has done something to my heart since I have been here, and I feel that there is so much work to be done in the world, that most of us, including myself, have no idea how good we really have it.
When I think about the life that I had before I came here, I am disgusted. I was so wasteful and selfish and didn’t know how to love the way God asked me to; how to love in a truly self-less way, without expecting anything in return.
It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to come back and try to live in a place that used to be my old life, with a completely different perspective, knowing what I do now.
How am I going to even go to a grocery store and see 5 different types of ranch dressing? Is that many really necessary? How will I go to restaurants and see people only eating half of what they ordered, only to leave the other half to be thrown away? How can I not say anything when I see people leaving the water on when they brush their teeth or even shower when most of the world has to walk long distances to have one jug of water to share with their family?
One of my biggest fears is that this time here will have changed me so much that I will experience major depression when I come back. I also know that none of my friendships/relationships will be the same ever again. Will people resent me? Will my friends leave? Most certainly almost no one will understand my perspective or my emotions, and I can’t expect them to. Will I be made sensitive to that?
Are the challenges of coming back home and all of the differences that will be happening in my life worth my time here? Will they be worth me saying “Yes” to God and doing what He called me to do even if it puts conflict into other important parts of my life?
Absolutely.
Before I came here, I would hear about wars, people getting taken captive for their religious beliefs, and I would see the little children with the swollen tummies on TV, and sure, I felt bad, but did it make me change or want to do anything different? No.
I would have never given up my comfortable life for anyone else.
But now that I’ve come here, and I’ve touched a man so close to death from AIDS and cried tears of sadness for him because I could see the physical and emotional pain that he was experiencing, and because I get a hug from an 8-year-old girl, with the brightest smile, who suffers from the same disease, every single day that I’m here, and also because I have deep relationships with 3 sisters whose uncle was going to murder all of them…Now, there is nothing I would rather do.
On Saturdays, the older kids (all kids except for 5 yrs and younger) go to the neighbor’s house for prayer. Tonight, the younger kids were watching a movie on Peter’s computer in the office, so I went up to the 2nd level and sat in the middle of the room and read some more of Dangerous Surrender. While I was up there, my little Asha came walking up the stairs and sat down in my lap on the floor facing me. She wrapped her little arms around me and rested her head on my chest and just sat there, wanting to be held, with a very sad look on her face. She usually squeals with delight and runs up to me but she was very serious. I put my book down and just held onto her, and told her over and over that I loved her. I was sure she hadn’t heard that nearly enough in her short life so far, so I wanted her to be sure she knew that someone did. The older kids taught me how to say it in Telugu my first week here, so I’m hoping she knew what I was saying. We just sat there like that for about 20 minutes and didn’t move. Then I just decided to sing quietly to her and continued to hold her like she was my own baby, hoping she would feel comforted. While I was singing, I just started crying because I couldn’t believe that there would be anyone who would send her or any of these other children away, and not love them. How could someone not love this little beautiful girl or not care what happened to her, when all she wanted was simply to be held?
Over the next couple of weeks, I’m hoping to learn more about these kids; more than what the little paragraphs by their picture on the website tells about. Peter will translate when they tell me their stories, but it has to be one-by-one because otherwise he says it’s too painful and they all will cry, but they want us to know about how they came here because it’s part of their life, and a part of their story about coming to Jesus by this ministry.
They’re no longer just commercials or news articles to me; they’re part of my life now, and my heart.
When I think back to the way my life used to be, I would always say, “Yeah, I want to live for God. I’ll go to church, and sing songs, and pray if I have to.” I’ve realized that that isn’t even close to what living for God is.
In one of the chapters towards the end of her book, Kay talks about martyrs, and people who know the cost of truly living out a life for God. She quotes Queen Esther when she said, “If I perish, then I perish.”
I don’t think many of us have that attitude, like “Well, if it’s for God and I have to die for Him, then I’ll die.” Are we really okay with that?
Most of us won’t ever be in a situation where death would really be a possibility, but if we were, would we be okay with it because it would be for God? What if we were only in high school? Or what if we just had gotten married, or had a baby? If it wasn’t “our timing,” but “God’s timing,” would we gladly give ourselves to Him no matter what the consequences?
One thing I’ve gained from being here for such a short time already, and also by reading this book, is that surrendering our lives to serving God doesn’t give us the choice of making deals with Him in the process. We don’t have the right to say, “I’ll give my life to serving you, if it means I won’t lose my brand new car” or “I’ll sacrifice some of my time if my family won’t be affected,” or “I’ll do this for you, if I can go back to the same life I had before.”
Surrendering your life FULLY to God is a terrifying thing. It’s saying that whatever He wants for our lives, including death, we are willing to offer because, He is, ultimately, the only thing that matters.
Honestly, would I be willing to make that commitment if that was what God asked of me?
So what if we’re not ready or willing to sacrifice everything we have for God? That doesn’t make us less Christian or less believing does it?
I hope not, because 99% of the time, I couldn’t confidently say that I would die for Christ if a gun was held to my head, or if I travel more while I’m here and get kidnapped because I’m a Christian that I wouldn’t think about possibly denying it so I can come back home to live my life with all my THINGS in it. It seems almost easier to say we would die for another human being than God. In the scheme of things, that doesn’t seem right.
When I think back to the 16-year-old girl from Columbine HS who was shot in the head because she said she believed in God, I know for a fact there’s no way I would have done that when I was 16. That sounds terrible but I’m just being honest. I’m 24 and am still wondering if my Faith or love for God is strong enough.
On the other hand, like I’ve already said, God has changed me.
My goals for what I want to accomplish in life, the way I love people, the new, deep level of compassion that I’ve had grow in me, my desire to have my eyes open to what reality in this world REALLY is; this has created in me a deeper sense of joy, intimacy, contentment, and trust in God and that is more comforting than the largest amount of money, the best clothes, or even the closest relationships with other people. Therefore, even if I have to give up my life earlier than I, or anyone else, had planned, I know it will be worth it. Does that make me more okay with the thought of it? Not really.
This comes down to taking up your cross and dying to yourself. Something I have NEVER understood before. Until now. And I’m still learning every second of every day.
A lot has changed…and a lot more is going to change between now and October when I return.
I ask that you begin praying NOW, as I’m sure there will a lot of negativity and turmoil that I will not be prepared for, but also keep praying that my time here continues to open my heart and my eyes and that my intimate moments with God become infinite.
“This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”
[Ephesians 6:12 MSG]
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