My last couple weeks.

We told the kids officially last night that I would be leaving soon.
Most of the older ones knew already but the younger ones didn't, and the very little ones didn't really understand.
We told them right after prayer was done. After the announcement, they said the Lord's Prayer like always and then all of them came up and hugged me and almost every single child said "You India. No America. You go, me crying." If that doesn't just rip your heart out, I don't know what does.

After we ate, I was downstairs and was sitting on a step next to Baghya Sri (the oldest girl) and her and I have become extremely close the past couple months. She has been very quiet lately and kinda down and always wants me to sit by her or just walks with her arm around me. Then she looked at me and said. "Me not ok. You go to America. Me not ok." I felt myself get all teary-eyed but I feel like I have to be strong until I leave. Although I do have some of the youngest kids will take both of their hands and wipe away any tears that fall and say "sister you crying? no crying."

I don't have very much time left here.
I keep telling myself that the transition home is going to be easy because i'm coming home to amazing people. Very supportive friends and things to look forward to. But then I think about moments like I had with Baghya Sri on the stairs, and Asha running up to me and just resting her head on my shoulder as long as I would let her while I held her...and Moses being so excited about the new puppies...and Mounika's devious, yet beautiful smile that she always gives me during prayer when she's supposed to be praying, and "fighting"with Pushpalatha when she's supposed to be sleeping (by fighting, I mean tickle wars, because she is extremely ticklish and has the BEST laugh ever).

It's going to be hard.

Today we decided to make it our "final" shopping day, so me, Vijay and Peter are going to go out and he's going to drop us off so we can spend the day together.

Every time I talk to Vijay about leaving, she puts her hand over her heart and says "My heart is breaking. It hurts." I am going to miss her SO much and cry my eyes out when I have to leave her.

I have a return date set but am only telling my close friends and family for now, just because I will need a few days to kind of readjust at least a little bit before wanting to tell about my entire trip or go hang out with a lot of people. Please don't take it personally, it's just for my own well-being.

That's really all I have for now.

Keep praying for these babies over here, and for Thomas and the organization, and for my transition as I prepare to come home.

Grace and Peace,

Jenna

A breaking heart

This week hasn't been so easy.

Although I am sure that this is what God wants for me and everyone involved, having to see these kids everyday, knowing that I'll be leaving them soon just rips my heart out.

Somehow, all of the older girls found out so during prayer time, they literally are pulling on both of my arms to get me to sit by them, and when we pray, I have 4 kids holding onto me or getting me to hold onto them.

When they asked me about leaving (they think i'm coming home July 15, which im not) they told me that when I left they would cry a lot, and asked if I was going to cry. Usually my response is, "You know everyday when everyone is at school? I am in my room for at least an hour crying my eyes out."

They're already making me promise that I will call them and write to them and show everyone back home my pictures.

I've been here for almost 3 months so far. Some of the days here felt so long, I never thought they would end but looking back, i can't believe I've been here for so long. It feels like just yesterday that i was getting off the plane in Vijaywada (the smallest airport i've ever seen).

To this day, I still wake up everyday thinking, "I can't believe I'm in India." Last night when the rain was coming I just stood outside and looked at the land and buildings around me.

This is not something I'm ever going to get back. Even if I come back to India someday, it will never be the same as my time here now.

Leaving Vijay (Peter's sister...aka my Amma) is going to be especially hard. We've created a special bond between us..like a very close mother and daughter and when I told her I had to leave, she got so sad.

When I asked her about going shopping and to lunch just the two of us, first she said, "No. You stay here." She wants to keep me inside of these walls so I won't leave, and then she said "My heart...breaking."

Ah. I am all over the place emotion-wise. So sad, but ok with this decision because, like Nate told me, I am not going to be here a minute longer than I'm supposed to be, or a minute shorter than i'm supposed to be.

I am so grateful to all of you who have been so supportive of me during my time here. This includes way back in October when I decided to come, and throughout the whole process of getting here, actually being here, and now, preparing to come home. I don't know what I would do without you all.

An early arrival

As some of you know, I will be coming home very shortly.

After seeking much advice and opinions from others who know what's going on, we decided this is the best thing for me. It has nothing to do with my health and nothing bad happened here.

I can't get into any detail right now, but this is something beyond my control, and at first I was so upset and cried everyday, but realized that if this is what God wants, then there's no fighting against it, even though i feel like my heart isn't ready to come back yet. I'm sure God will work on that though.

I was sure that I was going to just stay depressed and i wondered how this could happen, when I hadn't planned on coming back until at least October.
How often though, do things happen when WE want it to instead of when God wants it to? Not very.

I can't say I'm not going to wonder how the kids are when I'm back home, and miss them like crazy, but after not sleeping night after night and being so distraught over this, I realized that when i think of how much I love them and care for them, i can't even imagine the love God has for them and how much He cares for them..

Because of this, i will rest in the fact that God is going to take care of my babies and this situation.
I can only assume that there are bigger and better plans that i just can't see yet.

All I can do is hug them extra tight, and tell them that I love them 100x more per day.

The only things I worry about are:

Did I show them I loved them enough?
Do they know that they changed my life?
Do they know that they taught me how to love like I didn't know how to before?
Do they know that I will miss them with everything I have in me?
Do they know that I will remember them for the rest of my life?
Will they remember me?

The kids don't know yet. We're going to wait until about a week before I leave.
However, a few of them, the ones who pick up on things very easily, have figured out that something is going on, so they're staying extra close to me and are loving me just a little more than usual, even though they aren't exactly sure what's happening.

I will be very sad, and probably cry a lot, but I will not worry because I know that God will take care of them even better than I have, and I trust in Him because He brought them here and gave them a wonderful life and has protected them all and will continue to do so, especially in my absence.

Maybe I just thought it would take 6 months to a year for me to change and to feel God. However, in the last couple of months, I have been more changed and have learned and experienced more than I had ever imagined for myself in a year.

I've learned that there is no specific time you have to do something to be changed. You just have to willing to open yourself up and let yourself be.

I am determined to come back a more compassionate, loving and joyful person than i was when I left.

Please bare with me while I re-adjust to American living and the occasional tears.

I refuse to let this put a stop to my life or my desire to keep traveling and serving in different places.

There is no exact date of return yet, but it will be soon.

See you then.