We told the kids officially last night that I would be leaving soon.
Most of the older ones knew already but the younger ones didn't, and the very little ones didn't really understand.
We told them right after prayer was done. After the announcement, they said the Lord's Prayer like always and then all of them came up and hugged me and almost every single child said "You India. No America. You go, me crying." If that doesn't just rip your heart out, I don't know what does.
After we ate, I was downstairs and was sitting on a step next to Baghya Sri (the oldest girl) and her and I have become extremely close the past couple months. She has been very quiet lately and kinda down and always wants me to sit by her or just walks with her arm around me. Then she looked at me and said. "Me not ok. You go to America. Me not ok." I felt myself get all teary-eyed but I feel like I have to be strong until I leave. Although I do have some of the youngest kids will take both of their hands and wipe away any tears that fall and say "sister you crying? no crying."
I don't have very much time left here.
I keep telling myself that the transition home is going to be easy because i'm coming home to amazing people. Very supportive friends and things to look forward to. But then I think about moments like I had with Baghya Sri on the stairs, and Asha running up to me and just resting her head on my shoulder as long as I would let her while I held her...and Moses being so excited about the new puppies...and Mounika's devious, yet beautiful smile that she always gives me during prayer when she's supposed to be praying, and "fighting"with Pushpalatha when she's supposed to be sleeping (by fighting, I mean tickle wars, because she is extremely ticklish and has the BEST laugh ever).
It's going to be hard.
Today we decided to make it our "final" shopping day, so me, Vijay and Peter are going to go out and he's going to drop us off so we can spend the day together.
Every time I talk to Vijay about leaving, she puts her hand over her heart and says "My heart is breaking. It hurts." I am going to miss her SO much and cry my eyes out when I have to leave her.
I have a return date set but am only telling my close friends and family for now, just because I will need a few days to kind of readjust at least a little bit before wanting to tell about my entire trip or go hang out with a lot of people. Please don't take it personally, it's just for my own well-being.
That's really all I have for now.
Keep praying for these babies over here, and for Thomas and the organization, and for my transition as I prepare to come home.
Grace and Peace,
Jenna
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
A breaking heart
This week hasn't been so easy.
Although I am sure that this is what God wants for me and everyone involved, having to see these kids everyday, knowing that I'll be leaving them soon just rips my heart out.
Somehow, all of the older girls found out so during prayer time, they literally are pulling on both of my arms to get me to sit by them, and when we pray, I have 4 kids holding onto me or getting me to hold onto them.
When they asked me about leaving (they think i'm coming home July 15, which im not) they told me that when I left they would cry a lot, and asked if I was going to cry. Usually my response is, "You know everyday when everyone is at school? I am in my room for at least an hour crying my eyes out."
They're already making me promise that I will call them and write to them and show everyone back home my pictures.
I've been here for almost 3 months so far. Some of the days here felt so long, I never thought they would end but looking back, i can't believe I've been here for so long. It feels like just yesterday that i was getting off the plane in Vijaywada (the smallest airport i've ever seen).
To this day, I still wake up everyday thinking, "I can't believe I'm in India." Last night when the rain was coming I just stood outside and looked at the land and buildings around me.
This is not something I'm ever going to get back. Even if I come back to India someday, it will never be the same as my time here now.
Leaving Vijay (Peter's sister...aka my Amma) is going to be especially hard. We've created a special bond between us..like a very close mother and daughter and when I told her I had to leave, she got so sad.
When I asked her about going shopping and to lunch just the two of us, first she said, "No. You stay here." She wants to keep me inside of these walls so I won't leave, and then she said "My heart...breaking."
Ah. I am all over the place emotion-wise. So sad, but ok with this decision because, like Nate told me, I am not going to be here a minute longer than I'm supposed to be, or a minute shorter than i'm supposed to be.
I am so grateful to all of you who have been so supportive of me during my time here. This includes way back in October when I decided to come, and throughout the whole process of getting here, actually being here, and now, preparing to come home. I don't know what I would do without you all.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
An early arrival
As some of you know, I will be coming home very shortly.
After seeking much advice and opinions from others who know what's going on, we decided this is the best thing for me. It has nothing to do with my health and nothing bad happened here.
I can't get into any detail right now, but this is something beyond my control, and at first I was so upset and cried everyday, but realized that if this is what God wants, then there's no fighting against it, even though i feel like my heart isn't ready to come back yet. I'm sure God will work on that though.
I was sure that I was going to just stay depressed and i wondered how this could happen, when I hadn't planned on coming back until at least October.
How often though, do things happen when WE want it to instead of when God wants it to? Not very.
I can't say I'm not going to wonder how the kids are when I'm back home, and miss them like crazy, but after not sleeping night after night and being so distraught over this, I realized that when i think of how much I love them and care for them, i can't even imagine the love God has for them and how much He cares for them..
Because of this, i will rest in the fact that God is going to take care of my babies and this situation.
I can only assume that there are bigger and better plans that i just can't see yet.
All I can do is hug them extra tight, and tell them that I love them 100x more per day.
The only things I worry about are:
Did I show them I loved them enough?
Do they know that they changed my life?
Do they know that they taught me how to love like I didn't know how to before?
Do they know that I will miss them with everything I have in me?
Do they know that I will remember them for the rest of my life?
Will they remember me?
The kids don't know yet. We're going to wait until about a week before I leave.
However, a few of them, the ones who pick up on things very easily, have figured out that something is going on, so they're staying extra close to me and are loving me just a little more than usual, even though they aren't exactly sure what's happening.
I will be very sad, and probably cry a lot, but I will not worry because I know that God will take care of them even better than I have, and I trust in Him because He brought them here and gave them a wonderful life and has protected them all and will continue to do so, especially in my absence.
Maybe I just thought it would take 6 months to a year for me to change and to feel God. However, in the last couple of months, I have been more changed and have learned and experienced more than I had ever imagined for myself in a year.
I've learned that there is no specific time you have to do something to be changed. You just have to willing to open yourself up and let yourself be.
I am determined to come back a more compassionate, loving and joyful person than i was when I left.
Please bare with me while I re-adjust to American living and the occasional tears.
I refuse to let this put a stop to my life or my desire to keep traveling and serving in different places.
There is no exact date of return yet, but it will be soon.
See you then.
After seeking much advice and opinions from others who know what's going on, we decided this is the best thing for me. It has nothing to do with my health and nothing bad happened here.
I can't get into any detail right now, but this is something beyond my control, and at first I was so upset and cried everyday, but realized that if this is what God wants, then there's no fighting against it, even though i feel like my heart isn't ready to come back yet. I'm sure God will work on that though.
I was sure that I was going to just stay depressed and i wondered how this could happen, when I hadn't planned on coming back until at least October.
How often though, do things happen when WE want it to instead of when God wants it to? Not very.
I can't say I'm not going to wonder how the kids are when I'm back home, and miss them like crazy, but after not sleeping night after night and being so distraught over this, I realized that when i think of how much I love them and care for them, i can't even imagine the love God has for them and how much He cares for them..
Because of this, i will rest in the fact that God is going to take care of my babies and this situation.
I can only assume that there are bigger and better plans that i just can't see yet.
All I can do is hug them extra tight, and tell them that I love them 100x more per day.
The only things I worry about are:
Did I show them I loved them enough?
Do they know that they changed my life?
Do they know that they taught me how to love like I didn't know how to before?
Do they know that I will miss them with everything I have in me?
Do they know that I will remember them for the rest of my life?
Will they remember me?
The kids don't know yet. We're going to wait until about a week before I leave.
However, a few of them, the ones who pick up on things very easily, have figured out that something is going on, so they're staying extra close to me and are loving me just a little more than usual, even though they aren't exactly sure what's happening.
I will be very sad, and probably cry a lot, but I will not worry because I know that God will take care of them even better than I have, and I trust in Him because He brought them here and gave them a wonderful life and has protected them all and will continue to do so, especially in my absence.
Maybe I just thought it would take 6 months to a year for me to change and to feel God. However, in the last couple of months, I have been more changed and have learned and experienced more than I had ever imagined for myself in a year.
I've learned that there is no specific time you have to do something to be changed. You just have to willing to open yourself up and let yourself be.
I am determined to come back a more compassionate, loving and joyful person than i was when I left.
Please bare with me while I re-adjust to American living and the occasional tears.
I refuse to let this put a stop to my life or my desire to keep traveling and serving in different places.
There is no exact date of return yet, but it will be soon.
See you then.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Dangerous Surrender
June 27, 2009
I wish there were words to adequately describe the feelings and emotions I am having now, and the change that has taken place inside of me over the past week.
I’m not sure why anything is different now in comparison to last week.
I feel extremely emotional and have decided to use my time here as well as I can, taking advantage of every second I’m given.
I’ve had many people tell me to not take my time here for granted; that I won’t be able to get it back. I heard them, but during my first month here, I was so depressed with being sick all the time, frustrated that I didn’t feel I had any gifts that could be used here—basically worthless, and was wondering every single day why God would ever send me to such a place.
I couldn’t wait to come home.
Slowly over the second month, and very rapidly over the past week, something inside of me has changed. It’s like God took the person I was pre-India, and threw it out the window and started over once again. I feel this deep and intimate relationship with Him that I have NEVER felt before, or even have come close to feeling. And now, I don’t know how I’m ever going to leave this place.
My desire to serve the One and Only Almighty God has taken over any other desire that I’ve ever had for my life in the past.
I no longer will just sit in my room and feel sorry for myself and the conditions that I’ve had to get used to. Now, I want to spend my time just laying with the kids on the floor, under the fan, talking about life, and God and how we all have gone through some tough things (them more-so than me), but it’s all okay because we have the Love of God and no matter how deep the loss we’ve experienced; that’s enough.
I used to hate having to sit with them and try to teach little kids who can’t speak English at all, the alphabet. Now, I look forward to sitting out with them and teaching them because along with the letters, I get to teach them what high-fives are, and I get to give them encouragement and words of praise that they’ve never heard before. The smiles on their faces or the running into my arms for a hug, because they know that they did something so well, and are so proud of themselves, is the best feeling in the world.
I feel like I’ve gained a ton of children and brothers and sisters.
Having them love me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. The simplest things such as me sitting by them at dinner or just holding their hand while we’re laying around talking about life is by far one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever felt.
I love these kids with a deep love that I didn’t even know I encompassed. I would lay my life down for them without even thinking and it’s only been a little over 2 months, and the first month I didn’t put any real effort into knowing them at all.
Before I left, a friend, and someone I consider a mentor, Jamie, gave me a book called Dangerous Surrender; what happens when you say “yes” to God, written by Kay Warren.
I would recommend reading this book if you want to be disturbed, made to feel uncomfortable, sad, but yet motivated, and joyful at the promises that God gives us if we decide to surrender ourselves fully to serve Him. It is just very real. Probably one of the best books I have ever read.
I just finished the book about ten minutes ago, and I feel that it has completely changed me, even more. Her descriptions of her emotions when she would actually see the dying people, or hear the story of prostitutes or orphans, was very accurate to what I have been feeling.
I am not going to be the same as I was ever again. God has done something to my heart since I have been here, and I feel that there is so much work to be done in the world, that most of us, including myself, have no idea how good we really have it.
When I think about the life that I had before I came here, I am disgusted. I was so wasteful and selfish and didn’t know how to love the way God asked me to; how to love in a truly self-less way, without expecting anything in return.
It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to come back and try to live in a place that used to be my old life, with a completely different perspective, knowing what I do now.
How am I going to even go to a grocery store and see 5 different types of ranch dressing? Is that many really necessary? How will I go to restaurants and see people only eating half of what they ordered, only to leave the other half to be thrown away? How can I not say anything when I see people leaving the water on when they brush their teeth or even shower when most of the world has to walk long distances to have one jug of water to share with their family?
One of my biggest fears is that this time here will have changed me so much that I will experience major depression when I come back. I also know that none of my friendships/relationships will be the same ever again. Will people resent me? Will my friends leave? Most certainly almost no one will understand my perspective or my emotions, and I can’t expect them to. Will I be made sensitive to that?
Are the challenges of coming back home and all of the differences that will be happening in my life worth my time here? Will they be worth me saying “Yes” to God and doing what He called me to do even if it puts conflict into other important parts of my life?
Absolutely.
Before I came here, I would hear about wars, people getting taken captive for their religious beliefs, and I would see the little children with the swollen tummies on TV, and sure, I felt bad, but did it make me change or want to do anything different? No.
I would have never given up my comfortable life for anyone else.
But now that I’ve come here, and I’ve touched a man so close to death from AIDS and cried tears of sadness for him because I could see the physical and emotional pain that he was experiencing, and because I get a hug from an 8-year-old girl, with the brightest smile, who suffers from the same disease, every single day that I’m here, and also because I have deep relationships with 3 sisters whose uncle was going to murder all of them…Now, there is nothing I would rather do.
On Saturdays, the older kids (all kids except for 5 yrs and younger) go to the neighbor’s house for prayer. Tonight, the younger kids were watching a movie on Peter’s computer in the office, so I went up to the 2nd level and sat in the middle of the room and read some more of Dangerous Surrender. While I was up there, my little Asha came walking up the stairs and sat down in my lap on the floor facing me. She wrapped her little arms around me and rested her head on my chest and just sat there, wanting to be held, with a very sad look on her face. She usually squeals with delight and runs up to me but she was very serious. I put my book down and just held onto her, and told her over and over that I loved her. I was sure she hadn’t heard that nearly enough in her short life so far, so I wanted her to be sure she knew that someone did. The older kids taught me how to say it in Telugu my first week here, so I’m hoping she knew what I was saying. We just sat there like that for about 20 minutes and didn’t move. Then I just decided to sing quietly to her and continued to hold her like she was my own baby, hoping she would feel comforted. While I was singing, I just started crying because I couldn’t believe that there would be anyone who would send her or any of these other children away, and not love them. How could someone not love this little beautiful girl or not care what happened to her, when all she wanted was simply to be held?
Over the next couple of weeks, I’m hoping to learn more about these kids; more than what the little paragraphs by their picture on the website tells about. Peter will translate when they tell me their stories, but it has to be one-by-one because otherwise he says it’s too painful and they all will cry, but they want us to know about how they came here because it’s part of their life, and a part of their story about coming to Jesus by this ministry.
They’re no longer just commercials or news articles to me; they’re part of my life now, and my heart.
When I think back to the way my life used to be, I would always say, “Yeah, I want to live for God. I’ll go to church, and sing songs, and pray if I have to.” I’ve realized that that isn’t even close to what living for God is.
In one of the chapters towards the end of her book, Kay talks about martyrs, and people who know the cost of truly living out a life for God. She quotes Queen Esther when she said, “If I perish, then I perish.”
I don’t think many of us have that attitude, like “Well, if it’s for God and I have to die for Him, then I’ll die.” Are we really okay with that?
Most of us won’t ever be in a situation where death would really be a possibility, but if we were, would we be okay with it because it would be for God? What if we were only in high school? Or what if we just had gotten married, or had a baby? If it wasn’t “our timing,” but “God’s timing,” would we gladly give ourselves to Him no matter what the consequences?
One thing I’ve gained from being here for such a short time already, and also by reading this book, is that surrendering our lives to serving God doesn’t give us the choice of making deals with Him in the process. We don’t have the right to say, “I’ll give my life to serving you, if it means I won’t lose my brand new car” or “I’ll sacrifice some of my time if my family won’t be affected,” or “I’ll do this for you, if I can go back to the same life I had before.”
Surrendering your life FULLY to God is a terrifying thing. It’s saying that whatever He wants for our lives, including death, we are willing to offer because, He is, ultimately, the only thing that matters.
Honestly, would I be willing to make that commitment if that was what God asked of me?
So what if we’re not ready or willing to sacrifice everything we have for God? That doesn’t make us less Christian or less believing does it?
I hope not, because 99% of the time, I couldn’t confidently say that I would die for Christ if a gun was held to my head, or if I travel more while I’m here and get kidnapped because I’m a Christian that I wouldn’t think about possibly denying it so I can come back home to live my life with all my THINGS in it. It seems almost easier to say we would die for another human being than God. In the scheme of things, that doesn’t seem right.
When I think back to the 16-year-old girl from Columbine HS who was shot in the head because she said she believed in God, I know for a fact there’s no way I would have done that when I was 16. That sounds terrible but I’m just being honest. I’m 24 and am still wondering if my Faith or love for God is strong enough.
On the other hand, like I’ve already said, God has changed me.
My goals for what I want to accomplish in life, the way I love people, the new, deep level of compassion that I’ve had grow in me, my desire to have my eyes open to what reality in this world REALLY is; this has created in me a deeper sense of joy, intimacy, contentment, and trust in God and that is more comforting than the largest amount of money, the best clothes, or even the closest relationships with other people. Therefore, even if I have to give up my life earlier than I, or anyone else, had planned, I know it will be worth it. Does that make me more okay with the thought of it? Not really.
This comes down to taking up your cross and dying to yourself. Something I have NEVER understood before. Until now. And I’m still learning every second of every day.
A lot has changed…and a lot more is going to change between now and October when I return.
I ask that you begin praying NOW, as I’m sure there will a lot of negativity and turmoil that I will not be prepared for, but also keep praying that my time here continues to open my heart and my eyes and that my intimate moments with God become infinite.
“This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”
[Ephesians 6:12 MSG]
2 health updates
June 23, 2009
As many of you have heard, my health hasn’t been all that great the past few days.
I woke up from a nap one afternoon with some small bumps and a little bit of a burning feeling on the back of my right shoulder. I figured, like with everything else, it was just heat rash and would go away.
The next day, the area was bright red and had a raised rash. It was no longer bumps, but looked more like an animal attacked me somewhat, like claw marks. The doctor came that day and he wasn’t sure what it was. I had talked to my mom earlier and she said it sounded exactly like Shingles, which is when the chicken pox virus that most of us have when we are little, flares up. It doesn’t bring chicken pox back, but shingles, which is this rash, usually on one side of the body, looking like an open wound. It burns and the pain is excruciating. This is usually just found in older people, or younger people under a large amount of stress (I guess I need to find a new stress-reliever here)
The doctor scolded me, telling me that I should have seen him sooner, and I do not take care of my health, and that this was worse than he has seen in India for someone’s skin. (I am not a fan of doctors clinics, or hospitals so I stay away from them at all costs, even the cost of my own health) He would be back the next day for some blood testing.
The next day, I looked at my shoulder in the mirror and it was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen on myself. On top of that, it hurt so badly. It felt like I had the worst sunburn possible and every time I moved my right arm, it was like someone was slapping the burn as hard as they could.
The doctor didn’t come back, but two of his assistants did; 2 men, clearly in their twenties. I was surprised that they came to me to take a blood test instead of me going to the clinic. I saw that the needle they used was clean (thankfully) but was a little bit concerned when the guy who drew the blood didn’t wear any gloves or clean the area of my arm first. He took the blood sample and put it in a little glass jar and put the top on it. The leftover blood, he kept in the syringe, put the cap on the syringe, put that back in the original packaging and stuck it in the front pocket of his shirt. Isn’t that somewhat weird?
The embarrassing part was when they needed a urine sample. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom at all, and it was awful because they guys couldn’t speak any English, and Peter, who would usually translate, was gone, so they had to have the oldest boy, also named Peter, who was 15, tell me they needed that kind of test. Soon, all of the kids knew what was going on, and when the guys left they were laughing. Of course they would, right? I was pretty mortified. Oh well. Definitely not in the US anymore.
I have an infection that has been spreading throughout my entire body. I’m not sure how it has come. I’m thinking through the bugs and heat combined, because most of it shows in the wounds left by the bugs. The two guys came back today with my test results, and I passed everything except for one kind of infection that I still don’t understand, so one of them injected me with this stuff that is supposed to help heal me quickly.
I had complained before about the pain of getting my nose pierced because he just shoved the needle in. I think this was worse. The needle hurt a little bit, but whatever they were injecting into me made me almost cry. And I do not cry over physical pain. I could feel it going in my arm, and it hurt badly, and made my arm heavy and numb, like a tetanus shot, only 100x worse. The pain is better now and hopefully it starts working soon so I can be fully healthy again.
I am currently taking about 7 pills/day between antibiotics, allergy pills, and pain medication. The shoulder wound has put me out of commission for the past couple of days because I can barely move my arm, and the pain is causing me to be sick and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping at night.
I am not allowed to eat normal curry right now because so much of what we have here will only prolong the infection. For the next couple of weeks, all I can have is rice with curd. Curd is just how it sounds. Warmed milk, set out until it gets chunks in it. Sounds good, right? I used to hate it but luckily now, I actually enjoy it and it’s extremely healthy.
Other than that stuff, things here are awesome. Every day, I wake up more thankful than the day before that God has placed me here and given me an opportunity to serve Him like He has.
I’m becoming even closer to the kids every day and have realized how almost impossible it is going to be to leave them. I think my heart might be ripped out of me.
These kids teach me lessons and bring me joy every single day, like I’ve never experienced before back home.
I have kids constantly concerned about me being in pain, and wanting to actually touch my shoulder to put the skin cream all over it. Then they continue to put it on my legs and arms where there are other open wounds from the infection. They couldn’t care less about it looking gross. They just want me to be comfortable. After that, they get me water, and rub or pat my back trying to get me to relax. They’re like little mothers…so don’t worry Mom, I’m getting taken care of very well here…by 3 through 13-year-olds.
Are we capable of caring for others like that? I don’t think I ever was before. It’s amazing what the love of a child can change in you.
I know for my remaining time here, Satan is going to try to throw many things at me to make me fall. I’ve had the bugs/heat (which is normal for here), the dark figure in my room, the monkeys, now the spreading infection, and my shoulder looking like it’s going to fall off and then there is the constant battle of miscommunication due to the language barrier. This must mean we’re doing something good here, right? Satan is working pretty hard against us. The great thing though, is that no matter what he decides to throw my way, I am not moving from here, and I am going to keep on doing work for God as long as I am here, no matter what obstacles. Getting through these things not only proves how much stronger I am than I thought I was with God’s help, but also God’s continued Faithfulness to journey with me, no matter how dark or steep or winding the road.
Although I am the same person overall as when I started, I think my heart has been completely changed. Changed in an even better way than I could have ever imagined myself to be, and this is all because I am doing what God asked of me, and even though it’s hard, the rewards of giving my life up for Him are endless.
Thank you for all of your prayers.
And if you didn’t see it, there was an article on Thomas and OAFA in last Saturday’s paper (6/20) in the Religion section. Check it out on Mlive. Com.
If I am not very quick at responding to wall posts/emails/messages, it’s because due to our expenses, our internet has been cut down by a LOT giving me only enough time to get done what I need, so please be patient, I will get back to you, and it has been out completely the past few days. J
Please let me know if there is anything we can pray for you back home for.
Grace and Peace and Blessings to you all.
LOVE
Jenna
p.s. On a side note, I’ve really been interested in the music artist, Kari Jobe recently. She’s incredibly uplifting with a very sweet and light voice. I would recommend listening to her album, especially the songs “Healer” and “Revelation Song” (probably both familiar to Crossroads go-ers)
UPDATE: June 25, 2009
Since I typed the last update, it has been 2 days. I had a terrible reaction to the shot, causing me to have a mix of the flu/a fever yesterday. Peter told me that meant it was working though. My skin has cleared up more from the infections/bug wounds in the last 2 days than it has in the entire time I’ve been here. My shoulder looks pretty normal now...just like a burn that's peeling.
I still can’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time or 4 hours at night, making days/nights seem to go on forever but today is extremely dark, so maybe that means rain/the monsoon will be coming soon. I’m sure once it’s cool out it will be much easier to sleep. J
We are still without the internet. They are doing some digging in the land around us and it hit the phone line causing the landline/internet to be out for an undetermined amount of time. I’m currently at an internet café trying to catch up.
Thanks for your continued prayers and patience!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
birthdays, monkeys and a beautiful child.
It seems to be no secret that I am bad at updating my blog. I have no good excuse for my lack of dedication except that I forget. It’s a good thing I have my mom to remind me of it. Even from the other side of the world I still need her to remind me to get things done. :)
So what has happened since I last updated?
Most of the children have returned back to the orphanage after spending some time with their family. The couple who are still gone should be back by the end of this week.
They began school last week and attend every day except Sunday. They even have to go 3 Saturdays/month. Can you even imagine that?
This is their schedule: Wake up at 5:15am for prayer, which goes until 6am. The tutors come from 6am-7am and then from 7am-830am is breakfast and getting ready, then they leave for school at 9am. The little ones come back from school for the day around 1130am-12pm (pre-schoolers), and then the high schoolers come back here for lunch at 1pm then go to school until 5pm, which is when the rest of the kids return. They have about a half hour, and then the tutors come back from 530pm-630pm, then they have prayer from 7pm-745ish, dinner around 8pm and then go to bed. So their day is jam-packed full mostly of studying. I, however, have a lot of free time now while they’re school. Luckily, my mom gave me a couple books for my birthday and am working on the second of the two currently.
I was thinking about possibly starting to write my own book while I’m here. Not an auto-biography, but possibly a work of fiction that may include a few situations from my own life. I am also in the process of writing some songs. I’ve never done that before, but have always wanted to. Between working on it here, and partnering with my extremely talented friend back home, I think we may come up with some cool stuff.
We’re still waiting on the monsoon, hoping that it will be arriving within the next week. Because of the heat, it was declared that as of today, all of the kids will only being having half-days of school thru the end of the month. I just feel terrible that they can’t do anything because it’s so hot, so they end up sitting in Peter’s room when there’s power to watch to tv because it wouldn’t be safe for them to be playing outside.
As many of you know, my birthday was June 17. 24-years-old. I know that sounds young to most people, but for me, I can’t help but wonder where the past 24 years have gone. It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from 8th grade, and now here I am, living in India, still not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life. It’s funny how when you’re so young, you know exactly what you want for yourself. You have everything planned out. And then when the time comes to make your dreams and goals a reality, there are a million other possibilities that you didn’t think of when you were 10-years-old and planning your life out.
Anyway, the kids had been so excited about my birthday for a long time. From the time it was 10 days before, they would come up to me and shake my hand and say “in advance happy birthday.” The morning of, the girls all came in my room to wake me up and they each shook my hand, kissed it and said “Happy Birthday, Sister.” What a good way to wake up.
They had to go to school that day, so Vijay and I went out and she took me out to lunch and we went to a jewelry shop and I bought myself a beautiful ring (the one thing I’m allowing myself to get strictly because I wanted it). I usually do not like gold at all but gold here is a lot different than in the US. It’s much more pure and I had seen this ring over a month ago and it’s just perfect.
Vijay had bought me a half-sari the month before so her and the sewing teacher tailored it to me and had it done so I could wear it. There was extra fabric so they made Grace (Vijay’s 2-year-old daughter) a little dress to match.
They got me a cake and all of the kids sang “Happy Birthday” in English, but a different version, and I got in a small frosting fight with Vijay and everyone enjoyed the cake afterwards and then a dinner with chicken curry (we only get chicken here on special occasions). It was a birthday I will definitely never forget and I feel bad for ever being upset that I wouldn’t be with my friends and family back home, thinking I would “have no one.” I had more people here to celebrate with than I would have back home, and it was amazing.
Over the past couple of weeks, God has really been working in me and changing my heart even more and giving me new perspectives on different situations that would arise. I’m learning to do things with a much more willing heart, even though it may not be what I had planned for myself at all. I’ve learned that attitude is everything when it comes to whether something is enjoyable or not. You can be doing something you absolutely hate but could still either enjoy it or have it come out being a positive experience because of a positive attitude. It seems like common sense, but how often do we groan and gripe about the tasks laid before us and just force ourselves to do it, complaining the whole time or wishing we were doing something different? I’m still learning to do this, but so far it has proved to work out much better for me than being my normal, negative-self about it.
A few of you have heard about my second scary situation here. But for those of you who haven’t, let me quickly summarize what happened. A few days ago, while the kids were in school, I was in my room watching a movie. Remember that my actual bedroom is connected to two other rooms; the dining room on one side, and the room w/shelves and a sink on the other side. I heard a rummaging noise and look over and there were two monkeys sitting in the room with the sink. A bag of some of my things were all over the floor and the monkeys were trying to open things and eat them, and when they realized they couldn’t eat them, they would throw them on the floor and go for the next thing. This may sound funny now, but these are not cute monkeys. They are extremely ugly and very dangerous. I became almost paralyzed with fear and just froze. One of them stared at me and made a growling/hissing noise. I almost screamed but instead, I shut my door to that room and shoved my bed in front of it. It took everything I had in me to go out the dining room door to get out because I was afraid there would be more monkeys over there. Luckily there weren’t, so I went downstairs and got Peter and told him that there were monkeys up in my room. He grabbed a large baseball bat and came up and chased them away with it. Of course little Moses heard the word, “monkey” and got really excited and wanted to see what was going on so I had to grab him before he ran over to the monkeys. He was so cute though saying “monkey” over and over again. Peter said that there were the two monkeys that I saw and then 2 larger ones in the actual bathroom where the shower and toilet are outside. The monkeys here can sense fear in people, so if they know that you’re scared, they will come after you and attach themselves onto you and claw at your face, and will probably bite you, causing some serious damage. Even though I know this, I can’t help but be terrified. I’ve seen monkeys every day since, but none have come in my room, thankfully. I was told that the monkey season is actually when it gets cooler out, so I’m sure there will be many more to come. I never thought I would ever in my life have to worry about monkeys coming into my room anywhere and eating my stuff.
This has gotten to be quite the long blog post. I suppose that’s what I get for not updating at least once a week.
I want to leave you with one thing:
My mom gave me the brilliant idea of telling little stories about kids here; More than just the little biographies about their life before OAFA that you can find on the website.
I’m going to tell you about Divya (Di-Vee-Ya). She is 9-years-old, and is the only child here with HIV. Although she suffers from this illness, you would never guess. She has so much energy and has the brightest smile. All I have to do is look at her smiling at me and I can’t help but smile back and just love her even more. She tends to get tired a little bit easier and keeps to herself, but is filled with so much joy. I’m not sure why, but she loves cleaning things and organizing, so one of her favorite things to do is come in my room and move stuff around and put all my shoes in a bag and pile all of the boxes on top of each other to look more organized. She folds everything and loves to help me fold my saris (which is for the most part, a 2-person job) and even folds my clothes that I had worn the day before. After she’s done organizing whatever she felt was needed at the time, she sits on my bed with me and looks at pictures of my family and friends from back home. She also likes skype-ing with people back home. She came and joined me while I was talking to a friend back home and he decided to teach her the “rock on” hand gesture, so every now and then, she’ll run around doing the hand gesture, saying “rock on” in her little Indian accent, and then stick out her tongue like they do in rock bands. It’s so funny, and so cute.
I have an extremely soft spot in my heart for her. She used to have beautiful long hair, but had to get it all cut off. Even so, she is one of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen. It breaks my heart to know what she’s suffering from.
I’m pretty sure this is my longest entry yet.
I’ll try to get better at updating more often.
Thank you SO SO much for all of your continued prayers and encouragement. I love getting the little facebook status comments from so many of you and also the email updates about what’s going on in your lives back home. A huge thank you to those who sent me birthday cards here. It brought home a little bit closer to me and I will keep those cards forever.
Feel free to contact me either over here, email or facebook, or stay updated with what I’m doing by finding me on “Twitter” (yes, I gave in and got it). Also, if you ever want to skype with me and meet some of the kids, let me know and we can set up a time. :)
Love to you all!
Jenna
p.s. I am putting up a couple pictures of Divya so you can see who I’m talking about. :) (click on them to see larger views)
So what has happened since I last updated?
Most of the children have returned back to the orphanage after spending some time with their family. The couple who are still gone should be back by the end of this week.
They began school last week and attend every day except Sunday. They even have to go 3 Saturdays/month. Can you even imagine that?
This is their schedule: Wake up at 5:15am for prayer, which goes until 6am. The tutors come from 6am-7am and then from 7am-830am is breakfast and getting ready, then they leave for school at 9am. The little ones come back from school for the day around 1130am-12pm (pre-schoolers), and then the high schoolers come back here for lunch at 1pm then go to school until 5pm, which is when the rest of the kids return. They have about a half hour, and then the tutors come back from 530pm-630pm, then they have prayer from 7pm-745ish, dinner around 8pm and then go to bed. So their day is jam-packed full mostly of studying. I, however, have a lot of free time now while they’re school. Luckily, my mom gave me a couple books for my birthday and am working on the second of the two currently.
I was thinking about possibly starting to write my own book while I’m here. Not an auto-biography, but possibly a work of fiction that may include a few situations from my own life. I am also in the process of writing some songs. I’ve never done that before, but have always wanted to. Between working on it here, and partnering with my extremely talented friend back home, I think we may come up with some cool stuff.
We’re still waiting on the monsoon, hoping that it will be arriving within the next week. Because of the heat, it was declared that as of today, all of the kids will only being having half-days of school thru the end of the month. I just feel terrible that they can’t do anything because it’s so hot, so they end up sitting in Peter’s room when there’s power to watch to tv because it wouldn’t be safe for them to be playing outside.
As many of you know, my birthday was June 17. 24-years-old. I know that sounds young to most people, but for me, I can’t help but wonder where the past 24 years have gone. It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from 8th grade, and now here I am, living in India, still not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life. It’s funny how when you’re so young, you know exactly what you want for yourself. You have everything planned out. And then when the time comes to make your dreams and goals a reality, there are a million other possibilities that you didn’t think of when you were 10-years-old and planning your life out.
Anyway, the kids had been so excited about my birthday for a long time. From the time it was 10 days before, they would come up to me and shake my hand and say “in advance happy birthday.” The morning of, the girls all came in my room to wake me up and they each shook my hand, kissed it and said “Happy Birthday, Sister.” What a good way to wake up.
They had to go to school that day, so Vijay and I went out and she took me out to lunch and we went to a jewelry shop and I bought myself a beautiful ring (the one thing I’m allowing myself to get strictly because I wanted it). I usually do not like gold at all but gold here is a lot different than in the US. It’s much more pure and I had seen this ring over a month ago and it’s just perfect.
Vijay had bought me a half-sari the month before so her and the sewing teacher tailored it to me and had it done so I could wear it. There was extra fabric so they made Grace (Vijay’s 2-year-old daughter) a little dress to match.
They got me a cake and all of the kids sang “Happy Birthday” in English, but a different version, and I got in a small frosting fight with Vijay and everyone enjoyed the cake afterwards and then a dinner with chicken curry (we only get chicken here on special occasions). It was a birthday I will definitely never forget and I feel bad for ever being upset that I wouldn’t be with my friends and family back home, thinking I would “have no one.” I had more people here to celebrate with than I would have back home, and it was amazing.
Over the past couple of weeks, God has really been working in me and changing my heart even more and giving me new perspectives on different situations that would arise. I’m learning to do things with a much more willing heart, even though it may not be what I had planned for myself at all. I’ve learned that attitude is everything when it comes to whether something is enjoyable or not. You can be doing something you absolutely hate but could still either enjoy it or have it come out being a positive experience because of a positive attitude. It seems like common sense, but how often do we groan and gripe about the tasks laid before us and just force ourselves to do it, complaining the whole time or wishing we were doing something different? I’m still learning to do this, but so far it has proved to work out much better for me than being my normal, negative-self about it.
A few of you have heard about my second scary situation here. But for those of you who haven’t, let me quickly summarize what happened. A few days ago, while the kids were in school, I was in my room watching a movie. Remember that my actual bedroom is connected to two other rooms; the dining room on one side, and the room w/shelves and a sink on the other side. I heard a rummaging noise and look over and there were two monkeys sitting in the room with the sink. A bag of some of my things were all over the floor and the monkeys were trying to open things and eat them, and when they realized they couldn’t eat them, they would throw them on the floor and go for the next thing. This may sound funny now, but these are not cute monkeys. They are extremely ugly and very dangerous. I became almost paralyzed with fear and just froze. One of them stared at me and made a growling/hissing noise. I almost screamed but instead, I shut my door to that room and shoved my bed in front of it. It took everything I had in me to go out the dining room door to get out because I was afraid there would be more monkeys over there. Luckily there weren’t, so I went downstairs and got Peter and told him that there were monkeys up in my room. He grabbed a large baseball bat and came up and chased them away with it. Of course little Moses heard the word, “monkey” and got really excited and wanted to see what was going on so I had to grab him before he ran over to the monkeys. He was so cute though saying “monkey” over and over again. Peter said that there were the two monkeys that I saw and then 2 larger ones in the actual bathroom where the shower and toilet are outside. The monkeys here can sense fear in people, so if they know that you’re scared, they will come after you and attach themselves onto you and claw at your face, and will probably bite you, causing some serious damage. Even though I know this, I can’t help but be terrified. I’ve seen monkeys every day since, but none have come in my room, thankfully. I was told that the monkey season is actually when it gets cooler out, so I’m sure there will be many more to come. I never thought I would ever in my life have to worry about monkeys coming into my room anywhere and eating my stuff.
This has gotten to be quite the long blog post. I suppose that’s what I get for not updating at least once a week.
I want to leave you with one thing:
My mom gave me the brilliant idea of telling little stories about kids here; More than just the little biographies about their life before OAFA that you can find on the website.
I’m going to tell you about Divya (Di-Vee-Ya). She is 9-years-old, and is the only child here with HIV. Although she suffers from this illness, you would never guess. She has so much energy and has the brightest smile. All I have to do is look at her smiling at me and I can’t help but smile back and just love her even more. She tends to get tired a little bit easier and keeps to herself, but is filled with so much joy. I’m not sure why, but she loves cleaning things and organizing, so one of her favorite things to do is come in my room and move stuff around and put all my shoes in a bag and pile all of the boxes on top of each other to look more organized. She folds everything and loves to help me fold my saris (which is for the most part, a 2-person job) and even folds my clothes that I had worn the day before. After she’s done organizing whatever she felt was needed at the time, she sits on my bed with me and looks at pictures of my family and friends from back home. She also likes skype-ing with people back home. She came and joined me while I was talking to a friend back home and he decided to teach her the “rock on” hand gesture, so every now and then, she’ll run around doing the hand gesture, saying “rock on” in her little Indian accent, and then stick out her tongue like they do in rock bands. It’s so funny, and so cute.
I have an extremely soft spot in my heart for her. She used to have beautiful long hair, but had to get it all cut off. Even so, she is one of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen. It breaks my heart to know what she’s suffering from.
I’m pretty sure this is my longest entry yet.
I’ll try to get better at updating more often.
Thank you SO SO much for all of your continued prayers and encouragement. I love getting the little facebook status comments from so many of you and also the email updates about what’s going on in your lives back home. A huge thank you to those who sent me birthday cards here. It brought home a little bit closer to me and I will keep those cards forever.
Feel free to contact me either over here, email or facebook, or stay updated with what I’m doing by finding me on “Twitter” (yes, I gave in and got it). Also, if you ever want to skype with me and meet some of the kids, let me know and we can set up a time. :)
Love to you all!
Jenna
p.s. I am putting up a couple pictures of Divya so you can see who I’m talking about. :) (click on them to see larger views)
Monday, June 8, 2009
F.R.O.G.
Hello my dear friends.
It is currently 7:45 on monday evening. Today was my "day off" so I spent my time listening to the new Hillsong United album (amazing), napping, and just thinking about life in general.
Things here are going well. Still waiting for that monsoon to come and bring some cooler weather with it. I can guarantee during the first week, i will be outside dancing and splashing in the rain as much as possible.
The majority of the kids have come back from their short "mission trips" to their families. It's good to hear so many loud voices worshiping with everything they have in them once again. It's funny how I feel almost like a parent to all of these kids. When they left, even just for a few days, I would get so sad, and when they returned, I felt the joy dancing around in my soul like after your own child leaves for a while then returns (maybe how my mom has felt/will feel).
I've been thinking a lot lately about my purpose for being here.
I was so convinced that I was going to come here and change lives. I am gifted with computers and doing administrative work, and that's what the board had said OAFA needed. However, it is much more complicated than that, and I haven't really been able to do any, because I don't understand any of the reports or receipts (because of the language).
So I've been left with...nothing? I didn't come here with a degree in anything specific. I'm working towards education, but I still don't even know if that's really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love kids, but do I love teaching?
I remember talking to Brooke at the boiler room in Grand Rapids months ago, and she told me that she had come into her year of being an intern with all these expectations of what she was going to do. Little did she know that God had other plans and ended up being the one showing her things and teaching her things.
I've decided that coming into experiences where God is calling you, you might as well take your expectations and throw them out the window.
Once I began to let go of my assumptions of what I was going to do for everyone else here, I really began to see the work that God was doing in me.
I have begun to actually accept the fact that I may be more changed and will learn way more than I will change or teach others.
One of the biggest things I've began to learn is my need for Jesus, and having Him be ALL I need.
I've struggled a lot here with loneliness. Sure I have people back home to talk to over the internet and occasionally the phone, but when I am really homesick or just having a bad day here, it's not the same as having someone here. Peter speaks English, but occasionally it's a little bit hard for us to communicate because he speaks it a little bit differently than I do. On top of that, he is gone much of the time running errands for OAFA and doing business-related things, so I really have NO ONE who can clearly understand me.
This has forced me to spend a lot more time praying and talking to God. Even though He isn't here in physical form, I know I could not even say a word and He would still understand me.
What's awesome though is that even though a lot of the time we don't think so, He is ALL WE NEED. He is sufficient enough to fill every spot of loneliness that's looming around inside of us.
Isn't that amazing?
Each time I am having a hard time, and go to God with it, something happens. Either my mood just changes for no actual reason, or one of my babies here will bring me joy, or someone back at home will send me a message or have a great bible verse that seems to be meant exactly for me.
It's such an encouragement knowing that even though I feel alone because no one speaks English, I am NEVER alone. I think I've always known that in the back of my head, but never really understood that concept until I came here.
Remember after the WWJD bracelets came out, FROG bracelets came out? Fully Rely On God. That's all there is to it.
I am learning so much and am being stretched to my limits.
I still wake up everyday in disbelief that I am actually living in India.
The challenges keep coming, but so do the blessings.
I hope everyone back home is doing well.
I miss you so very much, and am so grateful for the prayers and encouragement.
Grace and Peace,
Jenna
It is currently 7:45 on monday evening. Today was my "day off" so I spent my time listening to the new Hillsong United album (amazing), napping, and just thinking about life in general.
Things here are going well. Still waiting for that monsoon to come and bring some cooler weather with it. I can guarantee during the first week, i will be outside dancing and splashing in the rain as much as possible.
The majority of the kids have come back from their short "mission trips" to their families. It's good to hear so many loud voices worshiping with everything they have in them once again. It's funny how I feel almost like a parent to all of these kids. When they left, even just for a few days, I would get so sad, and when they returned, I felt the joy dancing around in my soul like after your own child leaves for a while then returns (maybe how my mom has felt/will feel).
I've been thinking a lot lately about my purpose for being here.
I was so convinced that I was going to come here and change lives. I am gifted with computers and doing administrative work, and that's what the board had said OAFA needed. However, it is much more complicated than that, and I haven't really been able to do any, because I don't understand any of the reports or receipts (because of the language).
So I've been left with...nothing? I didn't come here with a degree in anything specific. I'm working towards education, but I still don't even know if that's really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love kids, but do I love teaching?
I remember talking to Brooke at the boiler room in Grand Rapids months ago, and she told me that she had come into her year of being an intern with all these expectations of what she was going to do. Little did she know that God had other plans and ended up being the one showing her things and teaching her things.
I've decided that coming into experiences where God is calling you, you might as well take your expectations and throw them out the window.
Once I began to let go of my assumptions of what I was going to do for everyone else here, I really began to see the work that God was doing in me.
I have begun to actually accept the fact that I may be more changed and will learn way more than I will change or teach others.
One of the biggest things I've began to learn is my need for Jesus, and having Him be ALL I need.
I've struggled a lot here with loneliness. Sure I have people back home to talk to over the internet and occasionally the phone, but when I am really homesick or just having a bad day here, it's not the same as having someone here. Peter speaks English, but occasionally it's a little bit hard for us to communicate because he speaks it a little bit differently than I do. On top of that, he is gone much of the time running errands for OAFA and doing business-related things, so I really have NO ONE who can clearly understand me.
This has forced me to spend a lot more time praying and talking to God. Even though He isn't here in physical form, I know I could not even say a word and He would still understand me.
What's awesome though is that even though a lot of the time we don't think so, He is ALL WE NEED. He is sufficient enough to fill every spot of loneliness that's looming around inside of us.
Isn't that amazing?
Each time I am having a hard time, and go to God with it, something happens. Either my mood just changes for no actual reason, or one of my babies here will bring me joy, or someone back at home will send me a message or have a great bible verse that seems to be meant exactly for me.
It's such an encouragement knowing that even though I feel alone because no one speaks English, I am NEVER alone. I think I've always known that in the back of my head, but never really understood that concept until I came here.
Remember after the WWJD bracelets came out, FROG bracelets came out? Fully Rely On God. That's all there is to it.
I am learning so much and am being stretched to my limits.
I still wake up everyday in disbelief that I am actually living in India.
The challenges keep coming, but so do the blessings.
I hope everyone back home is doing well.
I miss you so very much, and am so grateful for the prayers and encouragement.
Grace and Peace,
Jenna
Monday, May 25, 2009
Things I Have Gotten Used To
1. Mosquitoes eating me alive making it look like I actually have holes in my legs and arms
2.Thousands of flies swarming me all the time, especially in the morning and during the day and covering my food and just having to swipe them away.
3. Ants. Everywhere
4. Showering by pouring buckets of water on myself
5. Having my clothes washed by laundry ladies which means washing my clothes in water/soap, hitting them on the ground, then putting them on our dirt-filled roof to dry, therefore making them sometimes seem dirtier than when I gave my clothes to them.
6. Living with spiders.
7. Becoming pretty much a vegetarian, not by choice because they don't really eat much meat except chicken every couple weeks...this is a huge thing if you know me and how much i loved eating my massive burgers with EVERYTHING on it like 3x/week.
8. No Air conditioning
9. The way people here drive, especially since I usually get extremely car-sick in the US. There are basically no rules for driving here except bigger/faster cars honk and go around the slower cars, sometimes becoming EXTREMELY close to accidents. A lot of death happens here because of their way of driving.
10. Geckos crawling all over the place (i HATE reptiles)
11. Getting looked at like I'm a martian from outer space everywhere I go, and having men here look at me in a way that no woman would want to be looked it.
12. Taking care of myself when I'm sick (i'm usually a HUGE a baby and am very needy when it comes to that)
13. Not having my friends to call everytime I'm having a hard time
14. Not having a community like Crossroads or Third Ref. or the Boiler Room where worshiping God is set right in front of me. Here, they worship God in a different language which makes it hard for me to stay focused or really enjoy worship since it's so different from what I would normally like. God is teaching me and stretching me in that way though.
15. Balancing time here so I can make sure I make time for people here and stay focused, but still make time for certain things back home.
16. Waking up at 6am everyday.
17. Being sick with something different all the time.
18. Mounds of rice 2x/day everyday.
19. The Heat.
20. Not being concerned about how I look because no matter how much makeup you wear or no matter how good you make your hair look, once you step outside, it'll all be ruined. Natural is way more beautiful here anyway.
21. Putting EVERYONE else here before myself. I was a very selfish person so this has taken some work, but it's an awesome thing.
22. Hugging the babies as tightly as I can, or letting them sleep next to me if they're scared, no matter how much lice (almost all of them have it) or scabies they have.
I was sitting here thinking about how different life here is from life back in the US and how I had to get used to certain things that I never thought I would be ok with, but I have. I think if we rely on God, we all are much stronger than we thought.
It's hard here. All of the things above took me a while to get used to. I didn't think i would be able to handle it when I first got here, but God has proved so faithful. It's exciting for me to see the change that He is making in my life after such a short time. I'm definitely becoming stronger and appreciate things in my life back at home So much more now.
I guess it took for me to go to the other side of the world and lose most of my "nice" things in order to see how much I had before. That's pretty sad. I am truly blessed.
2.Thousands of flies swarming me all the time, especially in the morning and during the day and covering my food and just having to swipe them away.
3. Ants. Everywhere
4. Showering by pouring buckets of water on myself
5. Having my clothes washed by laundry ladies which means washing my clothes in water/soap, hitting them on the ground, then putting them on our dirt-filled roof to dry, therefore making them sometimes seem dirtier than when I gave my clothes to them.
6. Living with spiders.
7. Becoming pretty much a vegetarian, not by choice because they don't really eat much meat except chicken every couple weeks...this is a huge thing if you know me and how much i loved eating my massive burgers with EVERYTHING on it like 3x/week.
8. No Air conditioning
9. The way people here drive, especially since I usually get extremely car-sick in the US. There are basically no rules for driving here except bigger/faster cars honk and go around the slower cars, sometimes becoming EXTREMELY close to accidents. A lot of death happens here because of their way of driving.
10. Geckos crawling all over the place (i HATE reptiles)
11. Getting looked at like I'm a martian from outer space everywhere I go, and having men here look at me in a way that no woman would want to be looked it.
12. Taking care of myself when I'm sick (i'm usually a HUGE a baby and am very needy when it comes to that)
13. Not having my friends to call everytime I'm having a hard time
14. Not having a community like Crossroads or Third Ref. or the Boiler Room where worshiping God is set right in front of me. Here, they worship God in a different language which makes it hard for me to stay focused or really enjoy worship since it's so different from what I would normally like. God is teaching me and stretching me in that way though.
15. Balancing time here so I can make sure I make time for people here and stay focused, but still make time for certain things back home.
16. Waking up at 6am everyday.
17. Being sick with something different all the time.
18. Mounds of rice 2x/day everyday.
19. The Heat.
20. Not being concerned about how I look because no matter how much makeup you wear or no matter how good you make your hair look, once you step outside, it'll all be ruined. Natural is way more beautiful here anyway.
21. Putting EVERYONE else here before myself. I was a very selfish person so this has taken some work, but it's an awesome thing.
22. Hugging the babies as tightly as I can, or letting them sleep next to me if they're scared, no matter how much lice (almost all of them have it) or scabies they have.
I was sitting here thinking about how different life here is from life back in the US and how I had to get used to certain things that I never thought I would be ok with, but I have. I think if we rely on God, we all are much stronger than we thought.
It's hard here. All of the things above took me a while to get used to. I didn't think i would be able to handle it when I first got here, but God has proved so faithful. It's exciting for me to see the change that He is making in my life after such a short time. I'm definitely becoming stronger and appreciate things in my life back at home So much more now.
I guess it took for me to go to the other side of the world and lose most of my "nice" things in order to see how much I had before. That's pretty sad. I am truly blessed.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Joy of the Lord is my strength.
I arrived to the orphanage exactly a month ago. It went by so fast and looking back, I've already experienced more than some get to experience in a lifetime.
Although I am much more used to being here now and living the way they do, it is still challenging. Actually I am faced with more and more challenges everyday and they just keep on getting bigger, but for every challenge God puts in front of me, He sends me a blessing equally as large so they seem to balance out.
I am becoming strong. Not physically but realizing with God's help, I can handle anything that comes my way. It doesn't mean that it will be easy or that I will enjoy it, but I will get through it. The saying really is true that God will never give you anything you can't handle. That is being proved to me everyday.
I was thinking back to my old life; you know the one where I wasted money, time, and pretty much wasted everything good I had to live a shameful life without the Love of God? Most of you know what I'm talking about. I remember towards the end of that downward spiral I was on, I was thinking that there had to be more to that life I was living. I can not tell you how thankful I am for that time of brokenness. Or the time last summer/fall where I thought I was an example of what walking dead was. Isn't that the time in life, where we are living in the desert place, that we almost feel God the most even though we feel so empty and alone? I think it's because we know something is missing, and in the same way I felt it, there just had to be something more to life. Does that make sense?
I was talking to someone recently and was telling them about the kind of life I used to live, and it was so difficult for me because I am so ashamed of the choices I made, but at the same time, I couldn't wish to change anything, because I would not be living this amazing and beautiful life that I have been given today.
It's so awesome to look back and see how God is so faithful, even when you feel that He's absent. He never is. He does not leave. We do.
That doesn't really have much to do with anything I'm doing specifically here, but is just something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Even looking back over the past few weeks it's so apparent to me the work God is constantly doing in my life. It's hard to believe He's working just as hard in everyone else's life as well.
It's so awesome to hear people pray here and even though I have no idea what they're saying, God does. We all worship one God no matter where we are or what language we speak. Isn't that incredible?
It's small lessons like that, that I am learning everyday, making my appreciation for God's Greatness expand even more.
Yesterday was really difficult for me. I learned some things that upset me greatly and ended up just sitting and letting tears flow like the Niagra Falls.
Immediately, all of the kids kept asking me why I was crying, and I couldn't really explain it. I think a lot of built up emotion just came pouring out.
I was laying upstairs on a mat with my pillow and Aasha (Ah-Sha), who is teeny and just 3 years old, and doesn't talk much, came up to me, wiped my tears away and kissed me on the cheek. She then proceeded to put heat powder (to make you not sweat) on my face and neck and just looked at me and smiled and laid her head on my shoulder while she played with my hair.
Swathi (Swa-tee) came and sat by me and saw that I was upset, and because the power had been out for a while, the fans weren't working, therefore making it unbearably hot. She found some thick paper laying around and just sat there fanning me and telling me it was ok and not to cry, with the most compassionate look I've ever seen on a child.
I don't like crying or feeling weak around people. But between those girls and talking to a few people back home, all of my problems seemed to fade away and I found myself actually full of joy once again.
It's crazy to see how faithful God is to heal the deepest parts of you after you decide to surrender your life to Him.
Mondays are my designated day off. This means I get to sleep in past 530. I woke up when the kids did out on the covered roof (does that make sense? I dont know what else to call it) and went to my room and fell back asleep for a few hours which felt SO nice. Mounika (4-years-old) came in and saw my feet sticking out of my sheet and pulled it down so I would be fully covered. Then she found some of the bangles that I had just bought, sitting on my bed. (Remember, I am pretty much passed out and couldn't move or talk because I was so tired.) She tried to put them on my wrist but she couldn't get them on because I was no help. Then she would kiss me and after me not saying anything to her because i was sleeping, she would say "I am fine thank you" and walk out (that's pretty much all of the English she knows.) She came back about 4 more times and did the same thing. A kiss and "i am fine thank you." Even though i was basically sleeping, it was so funny. The last time she came back she found my brush, brushed through my hair once, kissed me, said "i am fine thank you" and then said "i love you."
Those are just a couple specific examples of why all of the challenges here and sacrifices are worth it. I am absolutely in love with these children. I love them like they're my family and they blow me away everyday with their joy and love for God and others.
So things are good. It's easy to get frustrated and irritated here especially in this heat, but God is here, along with us every step of the way.
Thomas is leaving tonight to go back to America, and Breana leaves on Wednesday. Please pray for them as they try to get readjusted to a lifestyle so completely different from here.
I apologize for this update being so random and going all over the place, but it is late here, and I'm tired and get distracted extremely easily. :)
Thank you for your continued love and prayers throughout my journey.
Grace and Peace,
Jenna
Although I am much more used to being here now and living the way they do, it is still challenging. Actually I am faced with more and more challenges everyday and they just keep on getting bigger, but for every challenge God puts in front of me, He sends me a blessing equally as large so they seem to balance out.
I am becoming strong. Not physically but realizing with God's help, I can handle anything that comes my way. It doesn't mean that it will be easy or that I will enjoy it, but I will get through it. The saying really is true that God will never give you anything you can't handle. That is being proved to me everyday.
I was thinking back to my old life; you know the one where I wasted money, time, and pretty much wasted everything good I had to live a shameful life without the Love of God? Most of you know what I'm talking about. I remember towards the end of that downward spiral I was on, I was thinking that there had to be more to that life I was living. I can not tell you how thankful I am for that time of brokenness. Or the time last summer/fall where I thought I was an example of what walking dead was. Isn't that the time in life, where we are living in the desert place, that we almost feel God the most even though we feel so empty and alone? I think it's because we know something is missing, and in the same way I felt it, there just had to be something more to life. Does that make sense?
I was talking to someone recently and was telling them about the kind of life I used to live, and it was so difficult for me because I am so ashamed of the choices I made, but at the same time, I couldn't wish to change anything, because I would not be living this amazing and beautiful life that I have been given today.
It's so awesome to look back and see how God is so faithful, even when you feel that He's absent. He never is. He does not leave. We do.
That doesn't really have much to do with anything I'm doing specifically here, but is just something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Even looking back over the past few weeks it's so apparent to me the work God is constantly doing in my life. It's hard to believe He's working just as hard in everyone else's life as well.
It's so awesome to hear people pray here and even though I have no idea what they're saying, God does. We all worship one God no matter where we are or what language we speak. Isn't that incredible?
It's small lessons like that, that I am learning everyday, making my appreciation for God's Greatness expand even more.
Yesterday was really difficult for me. I learned some things that upset me greatly and ended up just sitting and letting tears flow like the Niagra Falls.
Immediately, all of the kids kept asking me why I was crying, and I couldn't really explain it. I think a lot of built up emotion just came pouring out.
I was laying upstairs on a mat with my pillow and Aasha (Ah-Sha), who is teeny and just 3 years old, and doesn't talk much, came up to me, wiped my tears away and kissed me on the cheek. She then proceeded to put heat powder (to make you not sweat) on my face and neck and just looked at me and smiled and laid her head on my shoulder while she played with my hair.
Swathi (Swa-tee) came and sat by me and saw that I was upset, and because the power had been out for a while, the fans weren't working, therefore making it unbearably hot. She found some thick paper laying around and just sat there fanning me and telling me it was ok and not to cry, with the most compassionate look I've ever seen on a child.
I don't like crying or feeling weak around people. But between those girls and talking to a few people back home, all of my problems seemed to fade away and I found myself actually full of joy once again.
It's crazy to see how faithful God is to heal the deepest parts of you after you decide to surrender your life to Him.
Mondays are my designated day off. This means I get to sleep in past 530. I woke up when the kids did out on the covered roof (does that make sense? I dont know what else to call it) and went to my room and fell back asleep for a few hours which felt SO nice. Mounika (4-years-old) came in and saw my feet sticking out of my sheet and pulled it down so I would be fully covered. Then she found some of the bangles that I had just bought, sitting on my bed. (Remember, I am pretty much passed out and couldn't move or talk because I was so tired.) She tried to put them on my wrist but she couldn't get them on because I was no help. Then she would kiss me and after me not saying anything to her because i was sleeping, she would say "I am fine thank you" and walk out (that's pretty much all of the English she knows.) She came back about 4 more times and did the same thing. A kiss and "i am fine thank you." Even though i was basically sleeping, it was so funny. The last time she came back she found my brush, brushed through my hair once, kissed me, said "i am fine thank you" and then said "i love you."
Those are just a couple specific examples of why all of the challenges here and sacrifices are worth it. I am absolutely in love with these children. I love them like they're my family and they blow me away everyday with their joy and love for God and others.
So things are good. It's easy to get frustrated and irritated here especially in this heat, but God is here, along with us every step of the way.
Thomas is leaving tonight to go back to America, and Breana leaves on Wednesday. Please pray for them as they try to get readjusted to a lifestyle so completely different from here.
I apologize for this update being so random and going all over the place, but it is late here, and I'm tired and get distracted extremely easily. :)
Thank you for your continued love and prayers throughout my journey.
Grace and Peace,
Jenna
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